The Path Through Darkness
It’s been six months since my last blog post and there’s a reason for that. I lost myself. A lot has happened in the last six months and I would like to share my story about The Path Through Darkness.
I can honestly say that the last 6 months have been the most challenging and dark period of my life. I had thoughts go through my head that I never thought would, and I cried every single day – multiple times per day. I went from being a happy-all-the-time kid that never cried, to a depressed and anxious kid that cried every day and couldn’t leave my house for a four week period!
I remember the day like it was yesterday. It was January 4 of my Junior Year in High School and the first day back to school after Christmas Break. It was 3 a.m. and I was wide awake. I hadn’t slept a wink last night and it was as if I was in someone else’s body. I couldn’t move. My mind was racing and I broke out in a sweat. I took a drink of water and tried to settle down, but now my heart was racing and I felt like I couldn’t breathe and started hyperventilating. I walked up to my Mom’s Room and started crying hysterically. “Mom” didn’t know what to think and jumped out of bed. “What’s wrong?” she asked. Hysterically I said “I haven’t slept all night and I don’t know what to do.” My Mom said “You can sleep in here.” But I didn’t want to keep her up all night and said “No, I’ll go back to my room.” I walked back to my bed and Mom came in a few minutes after. We talked for a few minutes, and she assured me that if I was exhausted I could dial in remotely (to school) for the day. That seemed to reassure my racing mind and when Mom left the room, I was out like a light!
Dial in remotely to school? Who would have thought this was a thing. It sounds strange, but we all know this is 2021 and we’ve been in COVID-19 mode for the last 16 months in New York and are just starting to see the restrictions lift. 2020 was a game changer for everyone. Schools suspended in-person instruction in the first week of March 2020 and did not resume full time until the last few weeks of the school year. Sports are pretty much non-existent for all of us. If you want to practice, you do it in your backyard (or your garage if you live in New York and it’s January.)
It’s amazing how quickly your world can change!
I’m a fairly normal teenager with a normal life who makes good choices and doesn’t really want for (or need) anything, but the months of January – March 2021 were particularly dark for me. It started out where I noticed I was nervous more often about normal things that I had no reason to be nervous about. Then I started to worry about everything. Then my worries started keeping me up at night. My worries turned into anxiety, and within a few weeks, I was anxious about being anxious. With the anxiety came panic attacks. It compounded and got worse. I was not able to leave the house for a four week period during January and February. I couldn’t even go to one of my favorite stores (Target) for fear I would die! On numerous occasions I tried to go in the door, only to find my heart starting to race, I would start sweating and find myself gasping for air. I would immediately need to leave. I was persistent and kept trying, cuz I knew Target missed me, (they even sent me a letter saying that if I lost my Redcard, they could send me another), but over the next few attempts, I would add stomach issues and hyperventilating to my list of symptoms. I kept trying, but would quickly have to retreat out of the store. It wasn’t just Target. It was the Mall and Restaurants too. It was a dark period – one that I really want to forget about. I can honestly say that I thought it would be easier if I drove off a cliff. At least I would not have to be trapped inside my head.
It was early February and I confided in my Grandma that I just couldn’t take it anymore. I didn’t know why I had these thoughts or what was wrong with me, but I’ve never cried so much in my life. I didn’t want to burden my Parents. My Dad had a massive heart attack a few months ago and was lucky to survive it. My Mom had enough to worry about trying to take care of him and work full time. But I didn’t know how much longer I could take it, so I explained this to my Grandma.
My Grandma called My Mother down stairs to talk with us both. I explained the feelings I was having and I could tell My Mom was shocked and didn’t really know what to say or do. (Very uncharacteristic of her)
There was an uncomfortable period of silence. This was un-chartered territory. But the silence soon ended, and she explained to me that (both) her and Dad love me very much and that we will navigate The Path Through Darkness together and we will make it out – together!
And that’s exactly what we did!
As we started to navigate down the path, we came across several roadblocks. The first roadblock was:
Lack of Resources – There are not many online options for adolescents. It was the middle of COVID and offices within a 100 mile radius of my location were closed. Providers in my town were booking 8 weeks out. There were limited providers available that are licensed to practice on adolescents in New York State. My Mother searched the larger geographic area from Syracuse to Rochester to Buffalo and Albany. but had no luck.
I read some articles about the importance of nutrition, meditation, physical activity, journaling, and yoga and continued with eating healthy, nutritious meals, exercising daily, and meditating, and I added in some yoga, journaling, daily affirmations and I gave up my iced coffee. I bought some books, continued reading and tried to find a magical solution.
After several weeks, we found a couple of Behavioral Specialists who are licensed to practice on adolescents in NY but then we ran into Roadblock #2:
Find the Right Provider – Finding a Provider is one thing, but finding one that you are comfortable with is another. Finding one that you are comfortable with, and your insurance covers is another. I’m a private person and not comfortable with any of this. I’ve never had any mental health issues before and I’m not comfortable with the stigma that comes with it. I’m an athlete. I’m tough. I grind through it. I’ve been hit in the face with 60 mph shots several times. Blood everywhere and I didn’t even shed a tear. So this whole situation is so uncharacteristic of me. I’m trying to forget any of this even happened, but I’m forced to tell my story over and over until we find a couple of good matches. 5 or 6 later, the two that were a good match, insurance didn’t cover, but we worked through it and filed an appeal.
Once I worked through the logistics of how and where to find help, I ran into the biggest roadblock of all.
Removing the Stigma around Mental Health in Athletes –
“Mental health has a stigma that is tied to weakness and that is the exact opposite of the image that athletes want to portray.” Jordy B.
–To be continued —
After weeks of navigating through the process, I was diagnosed with Anxiety Disorder, Panic Disorder and Agoraphobia. What a shock to an active, normal teen with a good life!
My Thoughts…..
With the Summer of 2021 upon us and the unknowns of 2022 on the horizon….it’s safe to say that no matter what the summer brings, no matter how long (or short) the season is, I will stay true to my values and goals, and create a culture that wants to keep training, practicing and making good choices, while continuing to model the leadership skills expected of me, so that we will be ready for whatever 2022 brings us.
That’s right – (a wise man who I call my-other-father once said)….always remember and don’t ever forget…as difficult as it’s been, or as challenging as it may be, these are life lessons and these times will make us stronger!
Check out my 2020 Highlights
https://youtu.be/buQtEAb3o1Y
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